Edited by Deborah Bier, PhD, Co-Editor of Vibration Magazine,
who takes her mother's most-needed essence regularly.
A woman wrote to the World Wide Essence Society Message Board:
"I need some essence recommendations for a difficult relationship with my mother. I moved back to my hometown
a few months ago... I am 48 years old. My mother has always had a tendency to be very critical of me. I think
this eroded my self-esteem in my earlier years; she continues to be this way today, and I still find her very,
very hurtful. She recently called me a "wimp" when I told her a recent medical procedure was very painful and
I didn't want to repeat it. She tells me how to stand ('pull in your stomach and tuck in your behind!')
She uses harsh and abrasive tones with me for no apparent reason.
"In the past I have stood up to her; more recently I 'took' it for a while to keep the peace, but finally snapped a few days ago when she said 'Don't do that!!' while I was making an unconscious facial expression while listening to her. She is too much for me anymore. I just want peace! Please, please help me find essences that will a) facilitate my decision about whether to keep in contact with her, and b) help me find essences to be less sensitive to her remarks. Thanks so much for any suggestions." -- Ginger
I replied, "Ginger, I have found essences as quite helpful with my relationship with my own mother.
And the following way I used them came about because of MANY conversations I had with my Vibration Magazine co-Editor, Donna Cunningham, and one of our wonderful authors, Connie Barrett. We pondered a long time how to use essences for parent/child relationships when the parent isn't changing, and doesn't see why they should.
"Out of the ideas we generated, I decided that I myself would take a bottle of the very essence I felt my mother most desperately needed. Though the most standard answer would be that if that worked, it was because what made me most impatient with her was some quality in myself that I refused to recognize, I don't think that is true here. I think we are made up of all the energies represented by the flower remedies. Exposure to someone very out of balance in a particular way will 'use up' or drain the energies in us that are reflected by that remedy.
"I found that after a substantial course of the remedy my mother most needed, I was far more relaxed and open around her... and not nearly as impatient as I had been. So, if your mom is a Chicory maybe with some Vine (a possibility, but I don't know her well enough to be sure), then use Chicory and Vine yourself. And maybe use it for a while -- over a month, and probably longer. If it helps, you may still find that every so often you'll need another course of it as you've been "drained" again by further exposure to her.
"There is a book out recently about mother and daughter relationships: Deborah Tannen's You're Wearing THAT? One of the things she asserts is that daughters hear what mom says as critical, when mom thinks she's being helpful. And that mom can't understand daughter's negative and distancing reaction. In other words, you are FAR from alone in how you feel, m'dear! "
A long-term, essence-savvy client wrote to me after taking several substantial courses of Heather, her mother's most needed remedy:
"I wanted to update you on the ongoing saga of my mother and Heather, which I somehow persuaded her to take. She's retired now half a year, and after the distraction of houseguests the first two months, she's now had to deal with a lot less social contact and has to be with herself and her own mind much of the time. I suggested she start on Heather again two weeks ago because she was feeling so sad and lonely. She had also stopped taking her antidepressant, and her doctor convinced her this would be a good time to start it again. She was feeling much less sad, but the loneliness was quite severe, thus the Heather.
"Yesterday, nothing short of a miracle happened, and I'm trying to fit it into Heather's picture, and maybe I almost can. She has a long history of being obsessed with how people have slighted and hurt her -- and she's always the victim in the story. I wonder if you need people too much, you will only reinforce your own helplessness? A Heather downward spiral, perhaps? A capacity for unbiased self-examination might be difficult for a Heather. What they believe and feel MUST be how the world operates, since they are the center of everything. To be able to see oneself as out-of-tune with the rest of the world requires one to separate self from other. So, perhaps many boundary issues can be helped with Heather.
"Yesterday, she spent the day in a deep well of depression over something very minor, but seemed to be responding to the Heather. It turned out when the facts came forward, she was ASTONISHED to find out the situation was not a real problem. She said for the first time in my knowing, 'I can see that I do this to myself. I totally jump off the deep end and I'm completely beside myself over things that don't exist. This all happens in my own head!' I think I'm going to take some myself for good measure, which has been very helpful for me in the past."
Another example of the tactic of taking someone else's essence was with Cynthia, who has an often domineering, critical, jealous, and verbally harsh mother, whose own mother was similar. Cynthia has two sisters, and between the three of them, they are some combination of silent, forbearing, acquiescing and rebellious toward mom. They are all mothers themselves, so it can be speculated that they have brought forward some of these attitudes to their relationships with their own children. Cynthia is a healthcare practitioner and teacher, and works with each of her sisters in turn, recommending particular flower remedies and other forms of healing as the occasion requires.
Using the idea that it can be helpful to take the essence(s) that their mother needs most, they all used the same mixture -- Chicory, Heather, Holly, and Vervain -- at the same time. The daughter of one of the sisters also decided to participate because of difficulties with her grandmother. The blend was a combo of remedies that their mother needed, and which each offspring reflected to some degree in their own behavior.
After a month, the results were nothing less than amazing. Cynthia's acceptance of herself in all circumstances simply soared. She was even comfortable being in a teaching role with her hypercritical mother present as a student, which is a very first for her.
Cynthia reported to me, "Mom is a changed woman -- and she didn't even take any essences! She's less demanding and domineering. She's able to allow others to take center stage without her usual jealousy and resentment. She's even genuinely complimentary to family members -- without jealousy, which is something new for her. She listens better when my sisters and I speak with her, and is far less demanding of us. She's allowed others to be in the limelight, without her interference, sarcasm, or scene-stealing tantrums -- which was her previous modus operandus."
The power of the three daughters and one granddaughter taking these same essences simultaneously seems to have been quite a powerful agent of change. To have each of those relationships change all at once seemed to be freeing for everyone involved. Amen, amen, and amen.
So if your Mom -- or someone else close to you -- is bugging the life out of you, and you are sure you know what essence they need IF they would only take it, then try taking the remedy yourself. You might be quite pleasantly surprised at the result. I'd love to hear about how it works for you!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Deborah Bier, PhD, is the maker of Whole Energy Essences
and co-editor of Vibration Magazine. For more of her articles in Vibration Magazine, see here.
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