Vibration Magazine Blog

©2010 by Donna Cunningham, MSW

When adults talk to children, the hurtful things they say ­are rather shocking. Shaming, blaming, destructive criticism, and ­character assassination are all too frequent in these exchanges, ­in the name of discipline. When done habitually, they contribute ­to low self-worth in adulthood.

To identify sources of self-hate, write down the most ­memorable painful things parents or other crucial adults like­ teachers said to you and about you. The messages absorbed may ­still be present in the mean things you say to yourself. Work to ­offset the power of such statements by writing CANCEL over them ­and tearing them up, flushing them away, or burning them.

Sometimes parents are supportive, but children learn to feel­ unacceptable because they are different from those around them. ­As a therapist, I often find that ridicule or harsh criticism by ­teachers can damage children’s confidence in their abilities. ­Peers, too, can be cruel, and the memory of not fitting in as a ­child can make the adult feel inadequate in social situations.

Unhappy childhood memories can be eased with Golden Eardrops, by ­FES. This remedy can initially have a cathartic effect, so if it ­does, use the hints given earlier about the healing crisis.

Many therapists, healers, books, and workshops are available ­to work on healing the inner child. If you felt unloved or were ­hurt as a child, they can foster learning to love yourself. Flower remedies and other healing tools can support in ­the quest to heal the unloved child within and to let go of ­rejection.

Self-hate is especially common to adult children of ­alcoholics, victims of abuse, and others who grew up in ­dysfunctional families. Scars from family traumas or difficult ­childhood experiences outside the family cannot be healed by­ flower essences alone, though essences can speed and support the healing.

How the Media Contribute to Self-Hate

Even where parents were loving and supportive, where school­ was positive, and where friendship was rewarding, there are still ­many ways for self-esteem to be damaged. We live in an era where ­the media set standards for acceptability, based on externals llike appearance, wealth, and career accomplishments.

We are under­ constant comparison to the beautiful people portrayed on ­television, in movies, and in advertisements. With continual­ exposure to physical perfection, success, and wealth, few can ­measure up. Even if we match up in one area, we may feel like ­losers when we cannot excel in all.

Women are expected to look perennially twenty, with the ultra-slim ­body, face, and wardrobe of a fashion model. Additionally, they ­are pressured to be brilliant in a career, have a lovely, always ­spotless home, cook gourmet meals, and be an enlightened parent. No one can juggle all these demands without stress. Yet, when ­they cannot, women think less of themselves. Japanese Magnolia, ­by Petite Fleur, paves the way to reconciling these demands. For joyful confidence in the attractiveness of your ­essential self, FES recommends Wallflower.

Men are under pressure as well, to progress in their ­careers, to remain youthful looking and fit, and to score ­sexually. Relationships suffer from these comparisons too. The media condition us to look only for the perfect, fantasy lover,­ creating unrealistic desires and demands for the dream girl or ­guy.

Flower Essences for Self-Esteem

Certain remedies can have a significant positive impact on ­self-esteem; almost all my clients get them at some point. Self-Heal, which has many uses, is good for ­restoring confidence.

Sunflower is a major one for the ego, whether there is too ­little or too much. It balances the self-esteem, so the person is ­neither self-hating nor arrogant, but instead has a strong sense ­of self-worth, along with a lovely humility.

Another sunny yellow flower, Buttercup, is listed in the FES ­catalog as helping you value your own gifts and appreciate your ­worth. Almost everyone could benefit from this very special ­essence, but it is especially good for people who do creative ­work or whose job involves constant pressure to perform. My New­ York City clients used up one stock bottle in just four months.

As an example of what Buttercup can do, I gave it to a young ­professional woman whose self-esteem was low. I added Gorse for ­despair and Holly for her resentments toward family members. She ­experienced a strong emotional catharsis and felt too uncomfortable to continue, so she stopped taking it after only ­two weeks.

Five months later, she contacted me for a new remedy. ­She reported that following the short period of taking the first ­mixture, she had suddenly renewed an interest in singing and ­acting which she had abandoned seven years previously, and she ­was taking classes for them. I had not given her the mixture for ­that purpose, but such had been the serendipitous side effect. No ­other new circumstances had arisen to account for this change.

I’ve also had excellent results with The Alaskan Flower ­Essence Project’s Columbine, recommended for an appreciation of ­one’s unique and personal beauty.

Alpine Azalea is an excellent remedy portrayed in their ­catalog as for living in total acceptance of yourself. The Australian company, Living Essences, offers Correa to release dissatisfaction with ourselves and our performance and to ­accept our shortcomings.

There are a number of fine possibilities for restoring self-love, so I generally ­haul them all out of the box and let the pendulum indicate which ­ones to use. In individual cases, some of the essences will be needed for many months, and some for only a short time.  When we have setbacks—which we all do from time to time—or when life or other people are cruel, we may have to go back to these remedies for a booster shot. Self-confidence is worth the effort, because it helps us to rebuild our strength.

About the Author: Donna Cunningham is an internationally-respected author of books, articles, and columns about astrology, flower essences and other metaphysical topics. Her insights reflect her dual background in astrology and psychotherapy. She has a Master’s degree in Social Work from Columbia University and over 40 years of experience. Her ebooks—including one on essences—can be found at Moon Maven Publications (http://www.moonmavenpublications.com) Visit her blog at http://skywriter.wordpress.com. For the past 12 years, she has co-created Vibration Magazine and Blog with Dr. Deborah Bier.

Art Credits:  Images from Wikimedia Commons.