Vibration Magazine Blog

By Deborah Bier, PhD, co-editor of this blog

You may at this very moment be thinking something like – “Oh! Essences for difficult love relationships. I’m in a difficult relationship right now. I wonder what essences I should give my beloved to make things go better…?”

Won’t it be great when that other person will become (please pick the options that best fit your fondest wish) more or less sensitive, honest, gentle, loving, motivated, emotional, or intimate? Wow! When you give them the right vibrational essences, they’ll become (again, pick the options that best fit your desires) more or less focused on you, fun, money, achievement, sex, hobbies, or the family. And then you’ll finally be happy, right?

Yeah. In your dreams, sweetheart. Only in your dreams.

This is where most of us start when we are unhappy in our relationships: with changing the other person. But expecting to become happy because we’ve placed the responsibility for change on someone else is akin to pushing a string: at best, lots of energy for little or no progress. At worst, an ongoing campaign to “make” someone change can cause harm to — or even destroy — a relationship.

Perhaps the most important change we can make when faced with an unfulfilling relationship is to heal our own need to change the other person in order to make ourselves happy. Seeing another through loving eyes does not mean becoming blind to their need to grow or heal, but it does mean accepting and blessing them in all their human fragility.

Now, here’s a big secret – you’ll have to move closer now because I’m going to whisper it to you.

As you find yourself more and more able to love and accept your beloved, something surprising may happen – something truly magical. Just when you start letting go of the need for someone else to change to make you happy, you may find they actually do change – and in ways you could not even have imagined or hoped for. And once we see the type of changes they have made, the plans we had previously made for our beloveds’ transformation might well seem narrow, unimaginative, controlling and rigid. Thank goodness they hadn’t seen things our way! It’s a delicious irony.

Taking responsibility to transform ourselves, we stand our best chance of supporting transformation in others. How better to deeply move a person than if we can learn to patiently accept and love them the way they are – warts and all? How can they remain unchanged as we are filled by the Divine Spark that resides within us, touching and drawing out the same in them?

This process is not guaranteed, however. When we start helping a relationship by healing ourselves, we may not find the other person responding. This may not be the right moment, stimulus or circumstance for them to change. Or their free will can choose to turn aside these opportunities for growth. While this may seem like a negative outcome, the situation may actually free us to seek a stronger and healthier partnership, because we are stronger and healthier.

If the relationship in question is destructive, dangerous or unsafe, being healed of the need to change the other person is particularly urgent. Waiting for them to change to stop the hurt is risky and likely to yield more pain, not less – yet it is a common situation that keeps the relationship going, even on the shakiest of ground. In this case, focusing on healing the need to stay in a destructive relationship is where the energy may bear the best fruit.

Vibrational essences can help with all stages of healing ourselves so we can love and accept our beloved – or to leave the relationship. Here are a few suggestions below.

Please note: essences alone may not be sufficient to allow you to leave a dangerous relationship safely. Used in conjunction with other help such as a good safety or exit plan developed with the aid of a strong support system, they can be very helpful. I strongly recommend finding professional help if you are looking to leave a destructive, abusive, or dangerous relationship, including when you want to use essences in this process. But since I realize this is not always possible, I include four essences, recognizing this subject deserves a much more in-depth treatment than is able to be given here. These same essences are also excellent for recovery after leaving a destructive relationship.

A=Alaskan; B=Bach/Healing Herbs; D=Desert Alchemy; F=FES; M=Masters; Many=made by many companies; W=Whole Energy Essences

Emotional Neediness: Almond (M, F), Bleeding Heart (Many), Chicory (B), Spurge (W)

Acceptance: Clover (W), Apple (M, F), Beech (B), Blackberry (Many), Walnut (B), Pear (Many)

Open-Hearted Love: Calla Lily (F), Forget-Me-Not (F, A), Grape (M, W), Holly (B), Bleeding Heart (Many)

Detachment: Bleeding Heart (Many), Letting Go (W), Bounty (W), Dandelion (Many), Gladiola (W)

Destructive Relationships: (see note in last paragraph above) Echinacea (F, W), Black Cohosh (F), Sweet Chestnut (B), Desert Jointfir (D)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Deborah Bier, PhD is co-editor of Vibration Magazine, and  a holistic healthcare practitioner in private practice in Concord, MA. She is the author of Flower Essence Practice: For Students, Essence Practitioners & Other Healing Professionals (Windfall, 2008). She is also the author of Healthy Connections: Flower Essences for Better Family, Friend and Work Relationships; The Encyclopedia of Vibrational Essences, and Learning About Vibrational Essences (find all these titles here). She is the maker of Whole Energy Essences, and is a district director for Caring Companion Connections.

The World Wide Essence Society does not mean to imply any recommendation of nor give certification to any individuals or companies above. This article is provided purely for informational purposes. We ask consumers to make their own determination as to quality of the services and products offered above. This article is not meant to be advice, and the information is not meant to replace medical or psychological treatment. All articles and comments offered by readers do not necessarily represent the views of Vibration Magazine.