PANSY'S ESSENCES FOR HEALTH AND FITNESS
©2002 by Pansy Rose Pepperplant
Your response to my last article was heartwarming. It's nice to know that there are many of you out there who are just like me. Since I left the alcohol rehab unit, I've been so busy living I've hardly had time for creative writing, but I thought I'd better get it all down before I forget things. I promise to get back to my essence poetry next time around, thanks to all of you who wrote and practically demanded more after my last bunch. Life as a sober person has been an eye-opener, and I've learned so much that I wanted to share with you, especially about getting healthy again.
In my recovery program, they stress that the body, mind, and spirit all need exercise in order to be healthy, happy, and whole. I've always been told that my mind is exceptionally limber, but the bod has taken a lot of abuse in these years of hard living. I and the guys at the halfway house where I'm living now were lucky to get a group rate nearby at Pete's Gym -- just one of the perks of living there. Pete's may be old and run down, but it's got a lot of characters. You can find Billy Bob, Bubba, Scarface, and I over there nearly every day.
You're probably wondering how I work the essences into this busy schedule, and between the gym, my duties at the house, and group and individual counseling, it has not been easy. I did share my collection of remedies with the guys here, and, for such a macho crowd, they absolutely loved taking them. Billy Bob in particular just could not get enough. It seemed like my stock bottles would evaporate overnight. Then, when the staff found out there was brandy in them, there was an uproar, and all my stock bottles were confiscated. They came THAT close to kicking me out! It just doesn't seem like the health care industry will ever appreciate the principles of alternative healing.
I could not imagine life without the essences, so I went online at the library where I get free email, and some nice lady on the Vibration message board suggested I use vinegar instead of brandy as a preservative. She even suggested a couple of companies that would package them with vinegar for me. Isn't the message board a great thing, folks? People are so unselfish about sharing what they know.
You may remember from last time that I had a vision of starting my own essence company, and I am finally going ahead with that. To me, flower essences have been done to death, and gem elixirs are pretty close to it. The various companies have left no stone unturned in making essences, elixirs, or tinctures out of just about every rock, mineral, and gem in creation. If you read the short descriptions of the gem elixirs, they don't tell you much of anything. If you read the long ones, by the time they are done raving, each and every one of them is supposed to cure almost everything from hangnails to your absolute worst hang-ups and make you into a world-class hangglider besides.
No, I just can't relate to gem elixirs. What I've come up with instead is a line of GYM elixirs. They're the essence of things you find around the gym, and they're a boon for those who have a hard time getting into fitness routines. I was like that myself before the guys took me to Pete's a few times, so I thought that would be a good contribution to the essence world. I got what they were for by meditating at Pete's, which is no mean trick with the din that goes on there, and by using that doctor of signatures they keep talking about in Vibration. (I'm not sure how good that method is -- when I doctored some signatures a few years back, I got six months in jail!)
Editors' Note: We really try not to intrude on Pansy's unique style, but surely she means the Doctrine of Signatures. Doesn't she?
Here are the first remedies for my Gym Elixir Kit, though I sense that there are more to come as I penetrate more deeply into my Inner Jock:
STEAM BATH: Made of droplets collected from the sides of the steam bath at Pete's, this essence helps people relax and not sweat the small stuff.
SPANDEX: When you're in a tight fix, it helps you pull yourself together. Helps you see that weight is just a number.
BUNS OF STEEL: Helps the hardass lose that chip on the shoulder -- and gives the wimp a needed bit of spine.
PERSONAL TRAINER: I'm not going to reveal what this essence contains -- trade secret -- but it surely gets me going when my motivation to go to the gym is low.
SPORTS BRA: For women who can't express their womanliness without some support -- or to put the bounce into their lives when their spirits are sagging. For men who find their women more than a handful.
JOCK STRAP: Supports men in protecting the most vulnerable aspects of their manliness -- and women in supporting their men to becoming the jewels they always thought they were.
250 POUND PRESS: For when life is pressing on you too hard, to help you bear up under the stress. A combination formula, sort of a Rescue Remedy for jocks -- not that they'd ever admit to needing it.
I've already planned out how to package the kit. They will be in a sort of mini-gym bag, easy to grab and take along when you're on the lam -- er, run. And they'll be premixed for dosage in mini-designer water bottles. The guys at the halfway house assure me I've still got It, but, frankly, I'm not as young as I used to be, so I might have to get Cindy Crawford for my spokesmodel. From what I read in Vibration's Making and Testing Essences booklet, I need to try them out on some people first, so I'll let you know when they're ready. Keep fit, y'all!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Pansy R. Pepperplant is a popular contributor to Vibration Magazine. She is a former therapeutic belly dancer and professional egg sorter and grader. Because she has had decades of really bad problems with family, friends (actually, EX-friends, but don't get her started), neighbors, and work (having been fired from approximately 18 jobs in the past two years), she's a natural to help you with your difficulties. Not that they amount to much compared to what SHE'S been through. If you are brave enough and want to see more of Pansy's writing, check out her advice column and her essence poetry in previous issues of Vibration Magazine. You can write to her at email@example.com.
ART CREDITS: Clip art from Art Today.
The World Wide Essence Society does not mean to imply any recommendation of nor give certification to any individuals or companies above. Heavens no! This article is provided purely for informational purposes. We ask consumers to make their own determination as to quality of the services and products offered above. This article is not meant to be advice, and the information is not meant to replace medical or psychological treatment.