By Martin J. Scott and Gael Mariani, excerpted from their book Flower Essences for Relationships, Findhorn Press, 2001, and used with permission.
She's having a baby...and all eyes are on mother and her growing pregnancy. Despite the father's indispensable contribution to the process of making babies, it's rather easy to leave him out of the picture. In a way, our virtually exclusive attention on the woman reflects the way a lot of men feel during their partners' pregnancies: rather left out. After their brief walk-on part on the first night, there's not much more for them to do beyond playing a supportive role and keeping the household ticking over financially as pregnancy advances. In some cases this can cause problems as the man feels relegated to the third division of the relationship. Consider this following example.
Keith and Natasha had been together for four years and were, on the face of it, a very settled couple. They were expecting their first baby and were both very excited at the prospect of parenthood.
As Natasha's pregnancy went on, she suffered acutely with back pain and heartburn, and a great deal of attention and sympathy were lavished on her. She had a friend who was also pregnant, and the two of them spent much of the day together. Natasha's mother would come by and talk babies with her. Everything in the house was becoming geared to "babiness".
Each morning Keith would get in the car and leave behind his domestic world of baby talk, baby books and videos, and go to his woodworking business. From 9-5, his world was one of lathes, planes and sawdust. When he came home he was plunged right back into "babyland", as he was beginning to regard it. Natasha's back trouble meant he had to do most things like cooking, shopping, housework and taking the dog out.
After three months of this routine, Keith was starting to feel as though his life was no longer his own, and home was no longer a place he could relax in. He started making up excuses to stay late at work. In short, even before the baby was born, Keith was starting to feel left out and resentful. Natasha wanted him to make the baby a nice cot out of wood; normally a brilliant, meticulous craftsman, he made a shoddy and amateurish job of it and ended up burning it in the fire, sparking a big row.
When little Kirsty finally arrived on the scene, Keith felt completely neglected. He was happy, of course, that they had a lovely, healthy and bouncy new daughter. But at the back of his mind he felt an undercurrrent of simmering jealousy. He started drinking too much, became morose, sullen, snappy and irritable, and they had increasingly heated arguments over trivial matters. Once he came out with the words "that f***ing baby," which shocked him and made him realize afterwards that he had a problem, and sought help.
He didn't know much about complementary therapies or flower essences and frankly didn't care. He just wanted something that would help him feel better, without having to resort to antidepressants.
In fact, quite a Pandora's box of conflicting emotions had opened up in Keith's mind. Toxic resentment...feeling sorry for himself and that he was being ignored... frustration, and fear he was going to blow a gasket. He had terrible guilt at letting down Natasha and neglecting his responsibilities. Yet he felt as though he was taking on too much (hence, the unconsciously symbolic act of burning the cot!).
To address all these feelings, he needed a whopping seven essences:
Chicory (Bach) for self-pity
Dagger Hakea (Australian Bush) for storing up grudges and resentment against his loved ones and not being able to communicate his feelings properly
Cherry Plum (Bach) for the sense of being ready to burst
Pine (Bach) for feelings of great guilt
Illawarra Flame Tree (Australian Bush) for an underlying fear of the responsibility of parenthood
Walnut (Bach) to help him cope with the huge change in his life.
Bush Gardenia (Australian Bush), (and we had Natasha take some of this too), to rekindle warmth and interest on both sides of the relationship in the wake of the pregnancy, and just in case Natasha was indeed giving all her attention to the new arrival at Keith's expense, unintentionally taking him for granted.
Whatever the case, within a month of starting this combination of essences, Keith was most impressed with the change that came over the relationship in general and himself in particular. He felt calmer and more in control of his emotions; he was more tender and caring with Natasha and wanted to be more involved with the baby. The rows stopped, and they were rediscovering each other as a couple and re-experiencing a renewal of passion. Keith felt a great sense of confidence in the future and was proud of his new family, referring to them as a "team." All round, a much happier, more balanced and optimistic guy.
We recently heard from Keith and Natasha again, and they are expecting a second child. We are assured the cot he's built this time is a work of art, and will not be ending up as firewood...
ABOUT THE AUTHORS: Gael Mariani and Martin Scott are specialists
in the field of natural therapies, including homeopathy, flower and gem essences for both humans and for animals.
They can be reached by email. Findhorn Press gave us permission to reprint this excerpt from
Flower Essences for Relationships.
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